I have been thinking that lately I have not been satisfied with my job. The work is fine but there are a few people who have become very difficult to work with and I find myself becoming too often frustrated and upset over it all. I simply do not like to be this way. The cycles of frustration and acceptance have certainly gotten old, and most evenings as of late I’ve found myself with little energy or desire to work on more meaningful things (music and other personal projects).
Yesterday I heard sad news that my good friend’s father passed away in his sleep. It was a bit of a shock as I had known his father and remember him quite fondly as good humored and loving person…
I know my situation with work could be better, that I could not get so upset and just let things go, but when it goes in circles it is exhausting. I had already thought that my energies would be better spent focused again on music and other meaningful endeavors. Thinking of my friend’s father’s passing has only highlighted how quick life seems to go by, as well as how uninterested I have become in my daily job life as of late.
For now I have some pressing editing work to do with the Csound Journal. I hope in some ways that working on that and moving on back to other work on my software “blue” will help me to refocus and regain some perspective. I will certainly need to work on not allowing my job to get the better of me.
Time goes by slowly here in Rochester, and I am starting to feel time slowly wearing on me. I feel a sense that I need to make changes in my daily life. Reading poetry and taking walks while listening to Feldman has been exceptional as of late, and I am sure it will become clear soon what I should do next and how I can make the changes to become satisfied once again with my working day.
Most people i know strive for a balance between their daily duties and their actual interests (myself included). Sure, we would all like to be left alone with our tools and devices in order to (permanently) enter the world of eternal creativity, and we are bothered to realise that this does not seem to be possible. But, this notion relates to out ideas about time and the fear of death. So, obviously some “internal” asjustment is required in order to deal with such thoughts. No external change will do the trick. Regards.
Yes, agreed it’s always a big balancing act. I believe though the practice of making an external change can of be a tool to facilitate inner change as well, in some ways helps to measure if internal change is occurring. The past ten years of having have gone back and forth in balance and currently things are a little out of balance is all. Today things feel much better after some things resolved at work and mentally resolved as well, so we’ll so how it plays out from here. 🙂